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As a doctor I am often visited by a beautiful old New Orleans lady who is suffering from a severe
case of Underutilized Parkland Syndrome (or parklandius publicus nonprofitalis to use its
correct term).
She reports feelings of personal danger, and a paranoia that businessmen are staring at her greedily
from the zoo across the street. She is worried that the syndrome will develop into something far worse.
On her last visit she asked, "Doctor, when treating this malady, is it really necessary to kill
the patient in order to save her?"
In these cases, I prescribe rest and relaxation preferably in a large public space.
I also warn patients to avoid quack therepies such as Dr Forman's Univeral Elexir which
is both foul-tasting and expensive. This patented formula has many side-effects including
loss of personality, fear of open spaces and an inability to distinguish between simple English phrases.
If you fear that you may have been affected take this simple test:
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Unspoilt
Public Parkland
Quiet
Open Space
Picnic spot
Live oak
Properly constituted authority
responsive to the opinion of the
public it purports to serve
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Underutilized
Executive golfing facility
Unprofitable
Executive golfing facility
Parking lot
Dead oak
Audubon Institute
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Put your left hand over your right eye, and read the words in the chart above. If you feel that the words in the left column mean the same as the words in the right column, you may well have become disoriented. Please consult a physician or accountant immediately.
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